4 years ago. March 3rd, 2003. 3/3/03.
We were supposed to get engaged that day. Instead, he took me out to dinner and gave me a necklace.
I had lived in Delaware for over three years at that point. I made the decision to move back to California two days later, and two weeks later I was gone. I haven’t been back there since.
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Last weekend, I went with Bunny and Alex to see a psychic. We went for the cheapest version: a palm reading for $15. We each went our separate ways to do this.
I was taken into a kitchen that was filled with cigarette smoke, and sat down at dining room table with an old woman. I held out my palm, somewhat embarrassed that I didn’t know the right way to do it. I reminded myself to keep a straight face. They don’t read your palm: they read the reaction to their words. They know when they’ve hit a chord, and go from there.
She looked at my life line, and told me I had a long life ahead of me.
“Ha!”, I thought. She obviously didn’t know how many cigarettes I smoked, or just how unhealthy my lifestyle had been as of late.
And then, she told me how she sensed I was a good person. I was someone that wanted to help people, that cared deeply for everyone. I was someone that wanted to take care of those in need, and sometimes this left me disappointed when I wasn’t able to.
Lately, I’ve been saving all of my change and giving it to homeless people.
She looked at me, directly into my eyes. “You’ve lost the love of your life.”
Keepastraightfacekeepastraightfacekeepastraightface.
“You loved him, but he deceived you. He changed. He wasn’t himself anymore. You hurt him; you left him. You haven’t been able to love anyone since.”
“There have been many others that have come and gone since then. They wanted to give you love, and sometimes you entertained the idea, but your heart is broken, and you have too many shut doors. You won’t let love back in.”
She went on to tell me how I would continuously have a lot of money come to me, but would spend it just as quickly. I couldn’t save any of it.
Most of all, she really wanted to drive home this concept of closed doors, and how the only way to open them was to cleanse my soul. She would light a candle every week for 5 weeks, and I would be pure.
These candles were $20/piece. I said I would think about it, but my mind was already made up. My redemption didn’t have monetary value, and if it did, it wasn’t coming in the form of $100 worth of candles.
She kept trying to sell me on this idea. She was insistent my soul could not be cleansed without these candles, and I would never be able to love again without them.
“What do you want, more than anything, out of your life?”
“I just want to be alone.”
She looked surprised, so I said, “I mean, I want love, sure. I know I have too many closed doors, but, like you said.. I don’t have money, because I spend it all and don’t save any. So, I can’t really afford to open those doors at this time.”
She kept the $5 left over from the $20 I gave her, and said she’d light a small candle for me that night.